Fuel Your Focus

\ Leave a Comment \ by

Work these days is getting faster and faster. 

I hear otherwise well-balanced professionals saying they are struggling because they find they:

  • cant slow down
  • are attempting too much multi-tasking
  • and are busier than ever before.

 

Sleep disturbances are more common now and they make it even harder for a mind to focus.  With so much going on, professionals find it harder to stay calm, which is a foundational element of emotional intelligence.  Staying calm is becoming a leadership imperative; a required competency especially for senior leaders. 

 

I am not implying that you have a habit of setting your hair on fire or that you infer “staying calm” to mean you turn into Dr. Spock.  My intent is to highlight the power of making a decision to more often leverage a wider field of vision and consider issues at more depth.   Of course you do this already since you are reading this blog.  But maybe not always.  Calm big picture thinking is in fact neurologically impossible when our brain is triggered through stress and change fatigue which compromise our ability to manage internal interruptions to our own thoughts such as judgements and running commentary.  But HOW do we calm our mind when we need to be thinking  a mile-a-minute to not fall behind?

 

Stay clear on your purpose.  Do you know your one MAIN focus for that moment?  Personally making the decision to focus is a critical step.  Ask yourself if it is a true priority.  Do you really want it?

 

Presuming you have been coached (by self or others) and are clear with and have made an explicit decision to be committed to it, you can be more present with it, know that you can ignore interruptions and complete your thoughts.  You will have the confidence to keep the conversation topic clean, uncontaminated with other burning platforms (which you will deal with later)  and can resist the temptation to do five things at once.   By using cleaner “fuel” for your focus, your thinking engine will run smoother and at higher efficiency than when trying to use “mixed fuels”.

 

But that’s much easier said than done.

So HOW do we better manage interruptions and derailleurs and maintain our focus?

1.  Become more mindful

2.  Manage your mental muscle fitness and habits/reflexes

3.  Be the leader that brings out their best

 

Become More Mindful

Ever noticed that stream of commentaries about the world that goes on in our heads?  Feels silent at times, and very loud indeed at other times.   Who you are is not the voice (the thinker) but the one who is aware of it.  At different times, we need to attend to the different parts of our thinking.  For example, when  the other person is speaking, are you preparing the next thing you’re going to say rather than truly listening to what’s going on for them?

 

Through formative experiences we may have developed a reflex to evaluate ourselves and what’s going on at all times.  But the greatest gift we can give might be to be truly present for them and listen deeply.   Other times it is essential to be the objective, rational, realistic judge of the data available in order to make a sound visionary, informed, evaluated and strategic decision.  So maturity in this case, is knowing when to be the scientist, and when to be in the moment.  We must learn from the past but not dwell there.  We need to plan for the future but not worry about or believe that once when we have that car/job/lover/whatever THEN we will be happy, because that’s dwelling in the future.  There is no time like the present.   In fact it is all we will ever have.

 

How can you best serve and contribute?  Depends on your purpose, and the context.

 

Purposefully paying attention to the moment and delaying judgement will keep you open.   When you have clarity on your goal, have decided on your objective (intention), you will become more effective, the way an engine runs quieter and more smoothly with cleaner fuel.

 

 

MINDFULNESS can help you to:

  • Make more effective decisions and be more clear and selective on when and how to take action both in organisations and in life in general because you have a wider perspective
  • Increase your awareness of here and how, which play a huge role in capturing missed business cues and preventing the loss of big picture thinking which affect our perceptions of what is real e.g. threats and opportunities, apparent logic, and knee-jerk decisions.
  • Dampen stress receptor systems and cortisol flood,  which all trigger Fight-Flight-Freeze reflexes, which measurably compromise our ability to see alternative perspectives  (both abstract, and literally with peripheral vision acuity changes), to innovate and be resourceful,  and to be empathic and calm.
  • Develop your capacity to pick up on what a complex situation TRULY requires, rather than just the presenting problem at a superficial reactionary level.

 

Manage your Mental Muscle Fitness and Habits/Reflexes

Staying mentally aware is work. 

Our thinking mind is DESIGNED to hand over everything it possibly can to our unconscious and our filter sets.  For example, feel the skin on your feet.  Hear sounds around you.  Listen to your breathing.  These are things our brain is supposed to filter out so that it doesn’t explode with the burden of decisions (when should I breathe?  Are my socks too tight?  Oh look, a bird.  Should I digest now?).  These filters saved our hides.  For example, in a crazy noisy room if you hear your child call your name, or you hear a person quietly choking, that same filter system will force you to notice it because they are emotionally relevant.  Or if you are speaking to a crowd and you spot a frown of anger or curled lip of contempt from the sea of faces looking at you, you will most likely notice if you care about your audience.  Conversely, if you are so wrapped up in how you appear and are delivering your message, you won’t notice your audience’s responses as much.  Filters are invoked depending on our hopes, fears, expectations and priorities.  You might as well be aware of them, because they are running your life for better or for worse.

 

This is where we need to develop our Mental Muscle Fitness, and be more aware of our thinking habits and reflexes which code our responses.   If we are able to stay un-triggered (calm, open and un threatened), we leverage our big brain and remain  open minded, skilled and resilient even in the face of uncomfortable discussions and feedback.   Staying calm even measurably increases  our learning readiness.  This forms a key element of the most admired leaders who are most effective at engaging and inspiring those they lead.

Be The Leaders Who Brings Out Their Best

Ever been in the workplace where an individual was so skilled that people fought to be on his or her team?  Effective leaders manage themselves in a way so that those they lead feel better about themselves.

 

It helps their team to better incorporate the information available to them, fosters an environment where they can debate, provides feedback in a climate that generates more sound decisions.  They take initiative and take the right actions because their brain RAM isn’t preoccupied wondering and computing the ruckus of stories, false conclusions about what statements might have meant and if they are a threat to their personal credibility, acceptance or belonging.

.

On the other hand when you are stressed, others’ mirror neurons can hardly stop themselves from picking that up.  While they don’t know why, they tighten up, and are not able to do their best work for you their leader.   Remember, you will influence much more powerfully when you are mindful, manage your emotions and are clear on your purpose.  As their leader, they NEED you to take managing yourself seriously, because then they can do their best work.

 

These are not rules or absolutes.  They are mere thoughts and perspectives gained from my experiences which might apply in certain contexts and may provide a new lens. 

 

I would love to hear if any parts ring true (or don’t) for you?

What have you found works best for you?

Posted in: Emotional Intelligence, Resilience

Is ADHD just another fad?

\ Leave a Comment \ by

Could it be ADHD?

Maybe not.  Most people will have some of the patterns described in the Brown Attention Deficit Disorder Scales at some point.   What makes it Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder ADHD (or ADD minus the hyperactivity)  is if the degree and frequency is impairing you or not.

Thomas E Brown from Connecticut has clustered together 6 classic areas of impairment*.  These are from the most extreme end and are rarely seen in the workplace.   ADHD absentmindedness and  impulsivity do NOT give you license to be late, hurtful or inappropriate.  It means you need to accept and manage your wiring differences the way somebody with diabetes must accept to pay attention to what they eat.  Even when medicated, pills don’t spell skills.  Alas.

 

Executive Functions Impaired in ADD/ADHD:

Activation: organizing tasks and materials, estimating time, prioritizing tasks, and getting started on work tasks.

Patients with ADD describe chronic difficulty with excessive procrastination. Often they will put off getting started on a task, even a task they recognize as very important to them, until the very last minute. It is as though they cannot get themselves started until the point where they perceive the task as an acute emergency.

Focus: focusing, sustaining focus, and shifting focus to tasks.

Some describe their difficulty in sustaining focus as similar to trying to listen to the car radio when you drive too far away from the station and the signal begins fading in and out: you get some of it and lose some of it. They say they are distracted easily not only by things that are going on around them, but also by thoughts in their own minds. In addition, focus on reading poses difficulties for many. Words are generally understood as they are read, but often have to be read over and over again in order for the meaning to be fully grasped and remembered.

Effort: regulating alertness, sustaining effort, and processing speed.

Many with ADHD report they can perform short-term projects well, but have much more difficulty with sustained effort over longer periods of time. They also find it difficult to complete tasks on time, especially when required to do expository writing. Many also experience chronic difficulty regulating sleep and alertness. Often they stay up too late because they can’t shut their head off. Once asleep, they often sleep like dead people and have a big problem getting up in the morning.

Emotion: managing frustration and modulating emotions.

Although the medical world (DSM-IV) does not recognize any symptoms related to the management of emotion as an aspect of ADHD, many with this disorder describe chronic difficulties managing frustration, anger, worry, disappointment, desire, and other emotions. They speak as though these emotions take over their thinking much like a computer virus invades a computer, making it impossible for them give attention to anything else. They find it very difficult to get the emotions into perspective, let alone their impact.  It’s a challenge to get on with what needs to be done.

Memory: utilizing working memory and accessing recall.

Very often, people with ADHD will report that they have adequate or exceptional memory for things that happened long ago, but great difficulty in being able to remember where they just put something, what someone just said to them, or what they were about to say. They may describe difficulty holding one or several things “on line” while attending to other tasks. In addition, persons with ADHD often complain that they cannot pull out of memory information they have learned when they need it.

Action: monitoring and regulating self-action.

Many persons with ADHD, even those without problems of hyperactive behavior, report chronic problems in regulating their actions. They often are too impulsive in what they say or do, and in the way they think, jumping too quickly to inaccurate conclusions. Persons with ADHD also report problems in monitoring the context in which they are interacting. They fail to notice when other people are puzzled, or hurt or annoyed by what they have just said or done and thus fail to modify their behavior in response to specific circumstances. Often they also report chronic difficulty in regulating the pace of their actions, in slowing self and/or speeding up as needed for specific tasks.

So given that some elements are genetic and some are socialised (see epigenetics), what can we do about it??  See my next blog post.

 

Do you recognise any of these behaviours in those you know?

How have you (or they) learn to better manage or make improvements in compromising behaviour patterns?

*Excerpted from http://www.drthomasebrown.com/add-adhd-model/

 

Posted in: Emotional Intelligence, leadership

Resilient Leaders have the K.N.A.C.K.

\ Leave a Comment \ by

You’ve taken the leadership training and read the books.  So why haven’t you implemented those things you were so jazzed about?  If it was easy, you’d have a perfect leadership score already.    FACT: Being really busy means you have less time/energy to implement new approaches.

Good news:  you don’t have to keep trying to do it on your own.  Pick a quality you want to express more of and join a peer mentor group with others who are also getting the K.N.A.C.K. of Resilient Leadership.

 

The K.N.A.C.K. of Resilient Leadership

K-   Knowledge of Human Nature

Resilient leaders must understand why smart people do irrational things, personality type differences and how to inspire, resolve conflict with and motivate them each differently.  Leaders today are simply expected to have solid knowledge of strategy and their industry, and gone are the days of ignoring the emotional side of team leadership.  Do you understand people well enough to give what your team needs from you to perform at their best?  Knowledge of Human Nature is quite learnable.

N-   Non-Reactive

Impulse control and self-management require self-awareness and stable confidence.  Resilient leaders act powerfully when needed and can be spontaneous,  but responses are not driven by their reptilian brain.  Reflexes are often grounded in past experiences and normal fear which may not serve well in an organisational context.  Becoming Non-Reactive is quite learnable.

A-   Action-Oriented

Resilient leaders know when to move fast to take action versus when the ideal action is to stop and reflect.  In either case, the action is chosen and purposeful.  Planning properly and attending to details are essential; worrying about perfection is not.  Does what you do with your time align with your true priorities?  Becoming Action-Oriented doing the right things is quite learnable.

C-   Courageous

Resilient Leaders have the guts to speak the truth and to face reality, be it about their own strengths or shortcomings, a past error, or a situation that is out of control.  Leading sometimes means re-kindling optimism or doing the unpopular thing, and having Intention Deficit Disorder does not serve leaders well.  When faced with a most difficult task, are you clear about the right thing to do so you can manifest your conviction?  Becoming courageous in a new way is quite learnable.

K-   Kindness

Being kind doesn’t mean being a doormat.  Sometimes the kindest thing one can do is to fire somebody.  Keeping a long-term perspective and transparently balancing the needs of all parties is key for Resilient Leaders to nurture trust and loyalty among team members and others.  We can’t give what we don’t have and Resilient Leaders understand that self-empathy is where it all begins.  Can you think of a person who deserves and may blossom with more empathy than you are presently providing?  Becoming more kind is quite learnable.

 

Know a leader who thinks they don’t have time to become more effective?  Offer them these questions which might help them see if it is worth their time to do something about it yet.

 

Resilient Leaders are more effective at motivating others when they have a sound grasp of human nature, self-management, take the right kinds of actions and show courage and kindness.    Are you presently giving those you work with the right balance of each?   Whether you are an effective leader (or not) is decided by those you lead, not by you!  So, ask them!

What is one small thing you can do differently starting today, which will make you a more resilient leader?

In your opinion, what else do resilient leaders need?

Posted in: leadership

Coaching for Resilience

\ Leave a Comment \ by
Ever wondered what makes for a resilient leader?
What gets in the way of resilience?
Here is a webinar delivered to the Business Executive Leadership Coaches of India.
A.  What is resilience?
B.   Why aren’t we all resilient, all the time?
C.   Developing resilience

Click here, but please skip the first 1.5 minutes of silence.

Elements of Coaching for Resilience

Business-Executive-Leadership-Expat-Career-Coaching @Bangalore*Chennai*Delhi*Hyderabad*Mumbai*Pune @US*UK*EU*UAE*SG*HK

 

Looking forward to hearing your thoughts and what your experiences are around developing resilience.

Posted in: leadership, Resilience

The challenge of embedding coaching skills in the workplace

\ Leave a Comment \ by

Essential Elements of a

Successful Organisational Coaching Skills Program

 

Summary of an article by Grant and Hartley1 on practical strategies organisations can use to more effectively embed and sustain leadership coaching skills in the workplace following participation by executives and managers in a coaching skills development program.  This scorecard can assist in a go/no go decision on organisational readiness to implement a coaching skill program into the organisational culture and to prioritise factors that contribute to successful leadership development.

 

In Brief

 

Global HR leaders are increasingly delivering coaching skills programs in their professional development to facilitate the adoption of coaching competencies.  Research shows that coaching can increase goal attainment, solution-focused thinking, develop greater change readiness and leadership resilience (Grant 2009).  The authors worked with the fifth largest bank in the world (over 52,000 employees), where 3000 leaders completed the ‘Leader as Coach’ program.  The authors found eight key factors which increase the likelihood of successfully embedding coaching skills in the workplace.

 

The Need

 

Research has shown that while coaching skills are one of the more powerful leadership competencies, this vital skill comes naturally only to a few (Goleman, 2000).  Worker resilience must be strengthened to protect from burnout and to better handle relentless change and economic pressure to do ever more with less.  Gen Y and Z are demanding a new style of leadership and if their present organisation/manager won’t coach them, they will find somebody else who will.

 

With increasing demands being placed on workers, organisational leaders must become more competent at engaging, inspiring and listening to their talent than ever before.  A tool is needed to assist the HR decision maker to assess both if a coaching skills program has the required elements to realize a substantive shift in coaching competencies and to asses gaps in present organisational receptivity that can be redressed to assure the investment delivers on the expected changes in organisational culture.

 

All too often, organisations invest effort and money into developing the coaching skills of their leaders and managers only to find that, despite initial high levels of enthusiasm, they fail to adapt the taught coaching skills to their workplace.

 

 

How do we transfer skills mastered in the classroom into the workplace?

 

Such transfers are difficult enough with technical skills.  It’s even more challenging with highly personal thinking habits such as knowing when to challenge the coachee instead of telling the answer, how to re-create trust, or how to expose unspoken concerns or hopes for example.  Coaching skills are not superficial techniques which can be wedged into any conversation.  Students require time to integrate the skills seamlessly into their own style with repeated, live practice and patience from the organisational perspective.

 

The tips below are insights gained following completion of the Leader as Coach Program by over 3000 professionals in the Commonwealth Bank of Australia (CBA).  The authors propose that organisational coaching skills programs will more effectively embed the competencies when as many as possible of the following eight factors are implemented.

 

1.         Proven, evidence-based design

‘Once-and-Done’ style single workshops, minimal hours of practice or where the teacher spends more time talking than the student spends practicing do not support integration of coaching behaviours as well as do longer-term mentoring, feedback and integration of the desired habits (Grant 2012).  The authors found the most success with programs which:

a) Are theoretically grounded and extremely practical

b) Use varied settings to diversify practice conditions

c) Provide cohesive group support ad follow up

d) Supply supervision as skills are progressively embedded

2.         Program content includes live skills, performance and developmental coaching

Formal coaching sessions with explicit goals and a clear beginning and end are rare compared to the more likely in-the-moment coaching opportunities seized in the midst of a busy project.  The program must also address the important distinctions between Skills Coaching (task), Performance Coaching (strategic approach to the work itself, over time), and Developmental Coaching (personal growth such as emotional/social competencies and effective relationships)

3.         Ensure that the program is internally culturally relevant

For a coaching program to be integrated, the authors found it should align explicitly with the specific values/language and unique situations and challenges faced in the client organisation.

4.         Use respected figures internal to the organisation as champions

The role modelling of desired behaviours by leaders is one of the most powerful influencers.  Enthusiastic and consistent messaging about the importance of the program from respected figures (such as the CEO) send a clear signal that the organisation is serious about developing a positive, supportive culture. The value of such overt high-level support cannot be understated.

5.         Use attraction rather than coercion

It is easy these days for people to justify not allocating the time needed for developmental activities. While the temptation is to mandate participation, the authors found that fostering attraction, rather than compelling attendance is a more successful strategy. Develop enthusiastic, influential early adopters in the initial stages and train them to carry their message and experiences to the workforce.

6.         Monitor and evaluate: the Personal Case Study approach

The Personal Case Study approach (Grant, 2013) has the participants write about a leadership issue they are facing, rate how close they are to their goal of solving it and their and level of confidence in dealing with the issue.  Participants re-rate themselves at the end providing data which will answer “Is the program actually working?”.  The authors found a 40% increase in goal progression and a 70% increase in confidence in being able to deal with the issue.

7.         Mobilise a competent HR team

Program success and longevity depend on the HR team’s professionalism and ability to champion this work. HR’s ability to manage the logistics of a complex program while keeping senior managers enthused are key factors in determining the successful implementation of a coaching program (Long, Ismail, & Amin, 2012).This is not an easy task and some organisations may not have the required HR capacity.

So how does one choose and implement a coaching skills program?

 

Like training for a marathon, strengthening coaching skills can’t be done in one workshop no matter how brilliantly it is designed.  While powerful when done right, accept that coaching skill acquisition will be a slow process (months, not a day or two) and that the outcomes must be followed up and measured.  Otherwise, to be blunt, it is a just another binder on the shelf and a waste of money.

 

Not all coaching programs can deliver (measured) results, and not all organisations are ready to embrace a leadership culture with a coach approach.  The processes listed in this scorecard normalise and deepen effective leadership competencies (coaching specifically), and strengthen connection, engagement and loyalty to the workplace.

 

 

SCORECARD:  ORGANISATIONAL READINESS FOR A COACHING SKILLS PROGRAM

 

If your organisation is considering a coaching skills program, here are some key factors that will each contribute to increasing the strength, penetration and durability of your program impact.  Each will assist to more effectively transfer the coaching skills from the classroom into workplace leadership activities and habits which drive a healthier, more cohesive and productive organisational culture.

 

Weak, or not executed = 1                               

  As strong as it can be  = 10

1 Proven, evidence-based coaching program design?Strengths/weaknesses?
2 Content includes skills, performance, and developmental coaching? Strengths/weaknesses?
3 Ensure the program is internally culturally relevant?Strengths/weaknesses?
4 Uses respected figures internal to the organisation as champions? Strengths/weaknesses?
5 Uses attraction rather than coercion? Strengths/weaknesses?
6 Monitors and evaluates: the Personal Case Study approach? Strengths/weaknesses?
7 Mobilises a competent HR team? Strengths/weaknesses?
8 Robust follow up processes? Strengths/weaknesses?

 

 

References

 

Goleman, D. (2000). Leadership that gets results. Harvard Business Review, March-April, 70 90.

 

Grant, A. M., Curtayne, L., & Burton, G. (2009). Executive coaching enhances goal attainment, resilience and workplace well-being: A randomised controlled study. Journal of Positive Psychology, 4, 396407. doi:10.1080/17439760902992456

 

Grant, A. M. (2012). Australian coaches’ views on coaching supervision: A study with implications for Australian coach education, training and practice. International Journal of Evidence Based Coaching and Mentoring, 10(2), 1733. Retrieved from http://businessbrookes.ac.uk/commercial/work/iccld/ijebcm/documents/vol10issue2-paper-02.pdf

 

Grant, A. M. (2013). Can research really inform coaching practice? Paper presented at the International Coach Federation conference, March 2013, Sydney, Australia.

 

Long, C. S., Ismail, W. K. W., & Amin, S. M. (2012). The role of change agent as mediator in the relationship between HR competencies and organizational performance. The International Journal of Human Resource Management, 24, 2019_2033. doi:10.1080/09585192.2012.725080

 

 

Sue @wisdomcollective.ca : Inspiring excellence, purpose and learning through your courageous, resilient leadership. Providing individual and group leadership coaching leveraging neuroscience research, powerful accountability to your own objectives and the support of a team to more easily and efficiently attain your goals than on your own.

Posted in: leadership, Uncategorized

Resilience Pulse Check

\ Leave a Comment \ by

Do you know how resilient you are?  We each develop our unique version of resilience from a blend of experiences and temperament. Try filling this out first from your own perspective, then from that of those who have seen you under stress and in uncontrolled circumstances.  They hold very potent information that help us learn and grow forward.  Maybe consider having those who know you fill this out for you!  But don’t stop there.  Decide on one area you would like to focus on, and find a learning partner who will be your guide on the side as you strengthen the courage and resilience that is in you.

 

Please tick the appropriate box.
 1= rarely true      5 = usually true 		 1 2 3 4 5
  1.   In   a crisis or chaotic situation, I calm myself and focus on taking useful   actions.
  1.   I’m   usually optimistic. I see difficulties as temporary and expect to overcome   them.
  1.   I   can tolerate high levels of ambiguity and uncertainty about situations.
  1.   I   adapt quickly to new developments. I’m good at bouncing back from   difficulties.
  1.   I’m   playful. I find the humor in rough situations, and can laugh at myself.
  1.   I’m   able to recover emotionally from losses and setbacks.
  1.   I   am socially connected and have friends I can talk with.
  1.   I   can express my feelings to others and ask for help.
  1.   I   experience feelings of anger, loss and discouragement but they don’t last too   long.
  1. I feel self-confident, appreciate   myself and have a healthy concept of who I am.
  1. I ask questions and I like to try   new ways of doing things.
  1. I learn valuable lessons from my   experiences and from the experiences of others.
  1. I can use analytical logic, be   creative, or use practical common sense.
  1. I’m very flexible. I feel   comfortable with my paradoxical complexity.
  1. I “read” people well and   trust my intuition.
  1. I’m a good listener. I have good   empathy skills.
  1. I’m non-judgmental about others and   adapt to people’s different personality styles.
  1. I’m very durable. I hold up well   during tough times.
  1. I’ve been made stronger and better   by difficult experiences.

Adapted from and reprinted with permission. © Copyright 2005 Practical Psychology Press, adapted from Chapter 2 in The Resiliency Advantage (Berrett-Koehler) by Al Siebert, Ph.D., founder of ResiliencyCenter.com. All rights reserved.

Posted in: Uncategorized

Are you serving as a leader, or merely acting as one?

\ Leave a Comment \ by

Are you serving as leader, or merely acting as one?  

Here are 10 elements to earning the right to lead

 So, do you walk the talk?

Ask yourself how those you lead would answer the following questions about you, from rarely (1) to almost always (10).  Better yet, ask them.  Then discuss it.  Nobody’s perfect, and the questions have nested, unspoken, moving parts to them.  They are designed to start deep conversations.  Not a quick fix it like patching a tire.

 

My boss:

  1. Builds trust, mutual consistent respect and support for the team. Inspires and motivates us. Can listen. Only interrupts when necessary.
  2. Communicates what’s right and what’s wrong about what’s happening, so that we know where we stand at work. No surprises. We can all answer where we are headed, why, how we are all going to get there and how I personally fit into the picture.
  3. Recognises our strengths and gives us the work we need to stretch us, and is happiest when we are successful and happy. Shows appreciation for kindness as well as performance.
  4. Asks how we think we might do it better and genuinely considers our ideas. Isn’t scared of looking ignorant.
  5. Admits mistakes and can say sorry, authentically. Makes it ok for us to admit our mistakes so that we bring them up sooner. Not fun, but we all learn from and benefit from getting onto a blooper fast, before it grows.
  6. Delivers. When a promise is made, it is treated very seriously. Like appointment times: each one is a promise. Models it, because it is part of being respectful.
  7. Has the guts to set limits and say no in a skilled and informative way which leaves the other’s dignity intact and with a satisfactory understanding of why.
  8. Is trustworthy. Integrity is still there, even when nobody is looking.
  9. Is emotionally resilient and stable and can handle feedback, good and bad. Is working on getting better.
  10. Is smart. Can spell. Stays fit and eats right.

What are your thoughts on leadership?

 

Inspired by Jack and Suzy Welch and Brent Beshore.

Posted in: leadership
\ Leave a Comment \ by \ Link

Teams with high-power leaders tend to be quieter and perceive the leader as uninterested in dialogue. Many of these leaders know poor communication lines hurt their team performance, yet still can’t change.
http://hbswk.hbs.edu/item/6649.html

Q.1 The article mentions that negative leader power can be eliminated simply by communicating that every team member is individually instrumental to any task. When have you found this to be true, or not?

Q2. Assuming you wish to retain the negative high power leaders, what have you used to have them see the ‘WIFFM for them’ and urgency such that they personally get that they have to change?

Holiday Happiness…. and men :)

\ Leave a Comment \ by

As happy celebratory wishes fill your inbox, I’d like to spice things up with a different type of happiness idea.

Rather than talk about the man-woman thing, I’d like to have re-orient us to our preferences.  For example, preople who are more relationally oriented will find themselves in different types of relationships that those who are not as connected. Since December celebrations tend to be about joy, warmth and reconnections, they usually involve relationships.
Below are some concepts which really opened my eyes about how men are wired.

Are Jim and Shaunti’s pointed comments below accurate for you?  When are they not?

Looking forward to your thoughts.
_____________________________________________________
10 Things Guys Wish Women Knew About Men
By Jim Burns, HomeWord

Shaunti Feldhahn, a nationally syndicated newspaper columnist, author and speaker wrote a fantastic book,For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men. In it, she recounts the surprising truths she learned about men after interviewing more than 1,000 of them. I had the opportunity to interview Shaunti for our radio broadcast, HomeWord with Jim Burns. In our discussion, we spoke about 10 things guys wish women knew about men. I think you’ll find these 10 things fascinating! Even more, I believe that in understanding these issues, you’ll be equipped to lead your marriage to a better place!

1. Men would rather feel unloved than inadequate and disrespected.
Husbands need to know that their wives respect them both privately and publicly. Men thrive when they know that their wives trust them, admire them and believe in them. Shaunti Feldhahn’s research indicated that men would rather sense the loss of loving feelings from their wives than to be disrespected by them.

2. A man’s anger is often a response to feeling disrespected by his wife.
When a husband becomes angry with his wife, he may not come out and say, “You’re disrespecting me!” But, there is a good likelihood that he is feeling stung by something his wife has done which he considers disrespectful and humiliating.

3. Men are insecure.
Men are afraid that they aren’t cutting it in life — not just at work, but at home, in their role as a husband. They may never vocalize this, but inwardly, they are secretly vulnerable. The antidote? Affirmation. To men, affirmation from their wives is everything! If they don’t receive this affirmation from their wives, they’ll seek it elsewhere. When they receive regular and genuine affirmation from their wives (not flattery, by the way), they become much more secure and confident in all areas of their lives.

4. Men feel the burden of being the provider for their family.
Intellectually, it doesn’t matter how much or little a man makes, or whether or not his wife makes more or less money in her career. Men simply bear the emotional burden of providing for their family. It’s not a burden they’ve chosen to bear. Men are simply wired with this burden. As such, it is never far from their minds and can result in the feeling of being trapped. While wives cannot release their husbands from this burden, they can relieve it through a healthy dose of appreciation, encouragement and support.

5. Men want more sex.
Everyone’s natural response to this is probably, “Duh!” But, that response is probably for the wrong reason. We primarily assume that men want more sex with their wives due to their physical wiring (their “needs”). But, surprisingly, Shaunti Feldhahn’s research showed that the reason men want more sex is because of their strong need to be desired by their wives. Men simply need to be wanted. Regular, fulfilling sex is critical to a man’s sense of feeling loved and desired.

6. Sex means more than sex.
When men feel their wives desire them sexually, it has a profound effect on the rest of their lives. It gives them an increasing sense of confidence and well-being that carries over into every other area of his life. The flipside of this coin also carries a profoundly negative affect. When a husband feels rejected sexually, he not only feels his wife is rejecting him physically, but that she is somehow rejecting his life as a husband, provider and man. This is why making sex a priority in marriage is so incredibly important!

7. Men struggle with visual temptation.
This means the vast majority of men respond to visual images when it comes to women. And, this doesn’t just mean the guys with wandering eyes. Even the most godly husband cannot avoid noticing a woman who dresses in a way that draws attention to her body. Even if it is just a glance, these visual images are stored away in the male brain as a sort of “visual rolodex”; that will reappear without any warning. Men can choose whether to dwell on these images and memories or dismiss them, but they can’t control when these images appear.

8. Men enjoy romance, but doubt their skills to be romantic.
True, many men appear to be unromantic clods, but it doesn’t mean that they want to be that way! Men want to be romantic, but they just doubt their ability to pull it off. They are plagued by internal hesitations, perceiving the risk of humiliation and failure as too high. Wives can do a great deal to increase their husbands’ confidence in their romantic skills through encouragement and redefining what romance looks like. For example, a wife may balk when her husband asks her to go along to the hardware store, but it’s likely that he’s asking because he sees it as a time they can get away as a couple and hang out together. What’s not romantic about that?

9. Men care about their wife’s appearance.
This isn’t saying that all men want their wives to look like the latest supermodel. What men really want is to know that their wives are making an effort to take care of themselves (and not letting themselves go) because it matters to them (the husbands!). Husbands appreciate the efforts their wives make to maintain their attractiveness.

10. Men want their wives to know how much they love them.
This was the number one response of men. Men aren’t confident in their ability to express this, but they love their wives dearly. Men want to show how much they love their wives and long for them to understand this fact.

http://www.cbn.com/family/marriage/Burns_MenWishWomenKnew.aspx

Posted in: relationships

thank you for donating

\ Leave a Comment \ by

Dear Friends

Your generous donation to Covenant House played an important role in raising $337,443 for our executive sleepout on the hard concrete of that east side back lane on Nov 21 2013.  It will fund the wrap around programs for 24 hours of love and support for 54 homeless youth.  It was freezing and we didn’t sleep much with beeping backup trucks and lights etc.  Can’t imagine how they think straight with back-to-back bad nights like that, and we had it easy.  We don’t get to choose our formative early childhood experiences.  If you or I experienced the neglect and abuse that they have, our lives would look different today.

http://www.covenanthousebc.org/blog/2013/11/second-sleep-out-success

 

Thank you for your heartening donation and for encouraging me to keep supporting programs that help kids to recover, make changes and step into being their best.

Posted in: Uncategorized